Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.