A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
aura
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*