A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana