Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

💁🏻‍♂️

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.