A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*aggressively waits in line*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.