Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

that colleague who touches your screen

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.