Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you breakdance you buy dance.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”