A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”