A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
😂🖐️
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u