A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I know karate and tons of other words.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?