A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
no
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.