A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.