A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You Might Also Like
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
work smarter, not harder
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
#Caturday
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids