Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.