A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
You learn something every day
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Only you can prevent podcasts
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.