A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
not for long
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.