A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
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My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me