Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting old is fun

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?