A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Something Saturday.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.