A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries