Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

Alexa turn off the planet

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever