Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

This will never not be funny 😭

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

ibopfufen

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.