Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.