Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.