A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on