Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

I’ll be mad as hell!

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

i hope my email finds you on fire

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!