Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?