Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

[texting my wife from the barber]

WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:

I need a headline like this

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold