@roxiqt

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

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@ClassicMegan

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

@stevevsninjas

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

@GlennyRodge

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

@TankCesar

How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?

Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….

@UTHBOMB99

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

@david8hughes

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

@juliabailz

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

@ArfMeasures

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her