If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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I just found this on someone’s car….
I have no words
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
How long are you supposed to chase someone after your wallet gets stolen?
Because I’m tired of running and he’s catching up….
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
ME: I’d love to see u again
DATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her