I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
HR: You put that you were the branch manager…
Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…
*frantically searches around*
WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?