Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

kitchen magnet

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable