Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Going into Monday like

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

I stand by it

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?