A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.