Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield