A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*