Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

THIS HEADLINE

Cool shirt 🙂

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

With a text.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

Nice try, NASA

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.