Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.