A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
They’re on their honeymoon
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.