A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game