Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.