Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*

*Sits down triumphantly*

*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Succinctly put.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.