Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system

Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.

Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.