A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong