Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.