Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

Worst bar ever.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE