A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
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Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
lost dog
me at the job i begged god for
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.