A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
about to have the best blueberries of my life
