Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Kids: Stay in school.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.