A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?