a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
That lamp looks PISSED.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.