a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Good boy 😂😂
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.