A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
huge if true: the moon
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.