A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
my retirement plan is braless
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I think this should do it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no