@Dawn_M_

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

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@hxfsa

Being an asian and explaining your extended family tree is confusing af, man I’m a niece to a 2 year old 😭

@Mirimade

Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!

Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.

Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?

@JoParkerBear

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

@ninjadinosaur1

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

@DannyZuker

Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.

@thisisames

Bong Joon-ho did 100% what any of us would do if we won more than one Oscar: he made them make out

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.