A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
How to walk around a museum
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
I thought this was funny lol
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms