A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.