A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Perfect
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed