Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.