Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*