[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.