Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Proofread twice, hang posters once

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.