A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies