A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
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me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm