Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Hmmmmmmm….

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

White parent Vs Arab parents

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.