A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
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Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*