A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
based
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The struggle is real.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird