A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate