Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.