A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.