A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us