A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
just having fun
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.