A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
it be like that
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American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
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i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.