A gym so fancy they call it a James.
You Might Also Like
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Brands during Pride
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
my astrological sign is a french fry