A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.