A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
You Might Also Like
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I hate when that happens.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.