A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
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Covid like
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Google Pay be like:
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.