A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…
“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
This squirrel eats better than I do
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.