Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.