Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids: We’re bored!

Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.

5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”

Me: rough day, buddy?

5: I need a glass of milk. Now.

Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

This is sending me to another galaxy

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.