A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
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SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.