A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?