A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.