A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.